Learning to say no

Standing your ground. Clearly defining what you do and don’t want.  Why is it sometimes so difficult to say no? Journalist Mariska Jansen searches for answers.

German author and life coach Sabine Asgodom believes many of her clients find it difficult to stand up for themselves. ‘I try to make it crystal clear that it is not about being liked but about being respected, especially at work,’ she writes. ‘The same is also true in your private life.’ But isn’t enforcing boundaries also a matter of selfawareness? You can only dictate your boundaries once you know what they are. My personal boundaries are not always very clearly defined. I do a lot of things by instinct and I don’t always think about what I should and shouldn’t do.

Until here
My approach is similar to that of the squirrel in a story by the Dutch children’s author Toon Tellegen: The squirrel draws a line in the sand to establish a boundary: until here and no further. But when it sees a beechnut laying on the other side, it quickly wipes the line away. Sometimes I second-guess the boundaries I set for myself later, too. Were they reasonable? Was I too strict? Did I properly assess the situation? No matter how difficult it is sometimes to do what’s best for you, other people’s reactions are often less negative than you would expect. People find it comforting to be around those who are self-confident—it offers clarity.

A point in case is Queen Victoria—whose life is portrayed in the historical TV series Victoria. She constantly felt trapped by old customs: She was not allowed to choose her own ladies-in-waiting and was forced to take mandatory breaks during her pregnancy. She fiercely fought against these customs and ultimately she succeeded—within certain boundaries—and, as a result, she gained respect through her obstinance.